Zip – A Continuation of my Conversation with Steve Santagati

Several months ago I was on Dr. Drew’s show, an episode about the Anthony Weiner exposure debacle, with a gentleman (term used loosely) named Steve Santagati who represented himself as an alpha male. Because of the nature of the television interview, we were unable to have a complete conversation, and I have some things left to say. Steve, you richly pointed out “we’re on a television show, not a documentary, so I have to speak in generalities”… I don’t know what that means exactly, but if you’re reading my blog, I invite your comments, here we go…

Steve said that men are not biologically designed to be with one woman, that their number one bio-behavioral imperative is sex.

Well, forgive me for questioning your undoubtedly vast biological scholarship, but what are these “facts” based upon? Your reasoning screams a need for immediate gratification. You know who needs immediate gratification Steve? Not men. Not “alpha males”. Babies. Babies require food when they’re hungry, warmth when they’re cold, they cannot self soothe and it is an adult caretaker’s, often mom or dad, job to provide for the babies needs. When we grow up and mature through healthy developmental stages we learn to meet our own needs and sometimes to delay gratification. That’s adulthood. Sometime trauma, which can be defined in a number of ways, delays our development, so we become stuck in a developmental stage. In the case of immediate gratification, we can assume that the individual who cannot self soothe, who can not suspend gratification, has actually not developed emotionally beyond infancy.

Sex is a physical act. At it’s most healthy, sex can be the physical component of a very rich and emotional relationship. Conversely it can also be a physical act devoid of any emotional or spiritual meaning. Psychologically, it can also e an expression of panic, a perceived need to have sex with as many people as possible as a defense against a fear of death.

Sex can also become a compulsion, again a defense, against extreme anxiety or feeling a lack of control over one’s life. As a psychologist and a relationship expert, when I see a patient of mine with an unhealthy relationship with sex, that is a use of sex for other than bonding with another, I know there is something else going on with the person. Often they are suffering from any number of emotional or mental health issues, and when we begin to resolve that, they are able to resume a healthy sex life.

As Dr. Drew pointed out Steve, did you know that men are actually better through monogamy? Men are healthier, they live longer, and are better able to cope with daily stresses when they are involved in monogamous relationships. Partnering gives us an ally. When we are willing to go through conflict with another person, we can discover a better self through relationship. A better self, Steve, a self that does not need to tell a woman to “” when she’s making a point that you don’t like, a self that doesn’t say about an attempted adult conversation, that “this is not a documentary”, a self that can listen as well as speak. Despite what you say, that “we are all the same, men are all the same” Steve, most of the men that I know and work with would be embarrassed to be represented by your philosophy.

Steve, my husband is an alpha male. He is sexy and smart and caring and nurturing. He protects his family and respects his wife. We have incredibly hot monogamous sex and sometimes he goes with his friends to a strip club. I’ve even gone once or twice. My alpha male husband is not threatened by our relationship, he is strengthened by it. That is the bio-behavioral imperative of healthy male development.

Oh and if my frontal cortex was not as developed as it is and I was stuck in a developmental stage of childhood like you, my response to your “” would have gone a little like this, “Steve, Steve talk to the hand (please note I would be rolling my eyes very dramatically, similar to you, while I put my hand in the air. A heavy sigh would occur) Then I would continue, “I think for this conversation to happen Steve you might need to get out your computer and punch in Wikipedia because this “documentary style” dialogue might go a little too fast and defiantly is above your intellectual capabilities.”

OHHH and if my Mad Dog side had come out I might have revealed how you are actually called to be on these shows for comic relief but you don’t seem to realize you are the joke. SNAP! Sorry I couldn’t help me self. I lost my frontal cortex just for a bit. Maybe it’s in my purse!

61 Responses to “Zip – A Continuation of my Conversation with Steve Santagati”

  1. kelly says:

    outstanding! well stated mad dog!

  2. Sharon Wilson says:

    I went to a Dr. Drew taping earlier this year and this d-bag was a “specialist” on the show!!!! He was exactly the same on that show as he was on yours!!!! YUCK!!!

  3. elizabeth says:

    I just saw you on Prime News, and all I can say is you need to do more research before you open your big mouth. People DO go to rehab for ten days because many people do not have the money to go to a long term facility!!! People, and that includes MYSELF, are able to stop drugs and alcohol after ten days, I am living proof. Ten years ago, ten days, no more drugs, no more lying for drugs.

    Yes, addicts lie, but that does not mean you lie FOREVER. You lie while you are in the throws of drugs and alcohol, but that does not mean you are a chronic liar for the rest of your life.

    You painted the mother of a missing child with a broad stroke, and the writing is on the wall. You see this woman as beneath YOU. Do you honestly think the mother who YOU think is a lying, drug addicted, piece of trash is capable of pulling off a kidnapping?

    The people are pointing at the scumbag father because had custody, and she was in his home!! Why wasn’t he screaming in the street to find his child? He is guilty as sin, thats why.

    I am constantly amazed at doctors and lawyers who do not seem to have a bit of common sense. I have seen several in my life, and you can join the group.

    I am SHOCKED a doctor would go on national TV and make such generalizations, such generalizations that are not in fact true.

    I am contacting HLN to tell them you need to STOP commenting if you CANNOT get the facts about drug addiction straight.


  4. steve says:

    What you’re talking about is how you “wish” it would be rather than how the real world is operating. Men, including your husband, desires to have sex with other women. That is NOT a theory or self gratifying excuse,it’s scientific fact. Bring me any man and in the right circumstances with the right woman [possessing the right physicality ] he would cheat if he knew he would never get caught. There are only two types of men who don’t
    1. those who can’t get women
    2. Or those who understand the cost is not worth the reward of “different sex”
    Women are have a similar mind set.
    Moreover, men think of sex as an act not an expression of love or adoration.
    I suggest you study Nature and bio-behavioral imperatives or buy a house on the corner of zip Ave and Clueless Lane . xoxox S

  5. I saw that show, Michelle, and what I’d add to your comments for Stevie is that he made me ashamed to be a man. Now I know that will mean to stevie that I’m a wimp; so I can only offer him this advice (from a n on-monogamous man)–to add to your acute psychological portrait of him: women don’t find your biological imperatie stuff all that attractie Steve. If you want to get laid you’re gonna have to develop another line. But then men like you aren’t really intrerested in this. You’re playing to and for the male audience. That’s the thing I’d add, Michelle, to your description of him. What I’ve observed about most males is that they are preoccupied with what other males will think of them and are engaged in a vast aping of what they think other males think. Oh, and one other thing about that kind of male–this something I’ve learned, fellas, from women: that kind of male is lousy in bed because all he’s really concerned with is to prove something to the other guys.

  6. judy golland says:

    wow…you really told it like it is. i am sure that his infantilized brain will not be able to grasp the meaning of what you said. good job

  7. I truly enjoy reading on this web site , it has good posts . “Dream no small dreams. They have no power to stir the souls of men.” by Victor Hugo.

Leave a Reply

Copyright 2013, Dr. Michelle Golland. All Rights Reserved.